Of bizarre stories and Communist plots

Another day, another Rudy Giuliani conference — and though this one wasn’t sandwiched between a crematorium and an adult bookstore, it didn’t disappoint in terms of complete and utter farcical madness.

Backgrounded by three American flags and sweating harder than a turkey at Thanksgiving, Rudy took the stage to announce the next twist in the bizarre defence of Donald J Trump: it was all a Commie plot from Venezuela. “We use a Venezuelan voting machine to count our votes,” he said. “If we let this happen, we’re gonna become Venezuelan.”

In Michigan, trucks pulled up full of trashcans filled with ballots in the dead of night, he added. Of course, the polling station wasn’t fully deserted, because it was election night; happily, it was staffed with witnesses who came forward to tell Team Trump it had happened. Who are the witnesses? Well, he can’t say, because if we were allowed to know who they are then they would no doubt be subject to “targeted hatred” from Democrats. You’ll just have to take Rudy’s solid-gold word for it, and the word of one of the only lawyers who hasn’t recently quit the Trump team. But those other lawyers only quit “because they were being harassed” anyway, and that’s the media’s fault.

It was at this point that eagle-eyed viewers may have noticed Rudy’s hair dye begin to leak down the side of his face.

Lots of people voted who didn’t exist, he continued. There were “numerous double voters, numerous out-of-state voters. Children voted.” No, we don’t need to show any evidence of it. What are you, a socialist?

 “This is a massive fraud, it isn’t a little teeny one,” continued Giuliani, using that watertight courtroom rhetoric we’ve come to expect of him. There’ll be a “major lawsuit filed in Georgia tomorrow”. There’ll be another in Arizona. There’s also going to be one in New Mexico, and one in Virginia. 

“There are other aspects of the fraud which at this point we can’t reveal,” he continued. But it’s “more than enough to overturn any election.” All of this makes complete sense, because if you have any actual evidence that the bizarre conspiracy theory you’re pushing could be credible, you probably should be modest enough not to reveal it. The thing with objective evidence, rather than speculative theories about communist intervention on a global scale in an American election, is that you really should keep it under your hat. Especially if you’re planning on going to court.

They “put Republicans in pens and corrals,” Giuliani added. It happened in Detroit, Milwaukee, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Atlanta! It didn’t happen in “neutral areas” or “Republican areas”. It was only in traditionally Democratic-voting areas that the votes came in against Donald Trump! If you took those counties away, then states like Georgia would go Republican and Trump would win the election! Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you? Doesn’t that seem like evidence that something’s not right?

 “These crooks have stolen an election from Donald Trump,” Rudy added, toweling himself off one last time. “They elected Donald Trump, they didn’t elect Joe Biden.” All through a very simple process of collaborating with multiple communist countries across the world, dumping ballots into polling stations in front of witnesses, and getting 15,000 people per county in every swing state silently involved. I hate to speculate on election fraud but wouldn’t it be a little simpler just to… fudge the numbers? I’m not entirely convinced this is how China does it.

Up next was Sidney Powell, one of the only respectable-seeming people left in the Trump clown car, who wore a leopard-print cardigan and a statement necklace. There’s been a “massive influence of Communist money from Venezuela, Cuba and probably China,” she said, adding that the voting machines were made “under the direction of Hugo Chavez”. Antifa was also involved, somehow. Those Venezuelan voting machines are “easily accessible to hackers” and “kids with cellphones,” something Powell learnt about — and you can too! — from “videos on the internet”. But who are the Commies, then, Sidney? Is America teeming with left-wing teens compromised by South American leaders who are just waiting to hack into voting machines? What about the trucks of ballots? What about the Republicans in pens? Why did they need to be caged and corralled if the hacker kids were what did it all along? Come on Sidney, give us a narrative!

The idea that Chavez might give Biden a quick call in the months preceding the election is, nevertheless, a fascinating one, not least because he’s been dead since 2013.

Clearly, being the black-balaclava’d socialist renegade that he is, Biden will have jumped at the chance. And he wouldn’t have been at all surprised that zombie Chavez was calling from beyond the grave, because everyone knows Communists gain eternal life if they drink the blood of an innocent capitalist during the witching hour.