How Gen-Xers got marriage right, even through divorce

Stephen Armstrong, The Independent

Sometimes the world changes and you don’t notice, because no one tells you. At the end of September, the Office for National Statistics published the Divorces and Dissolutions in England and Wales numbers for 2025, and the figures were almost entirely unreported.

They are significant. In 2022, getting divorced was made much easier through the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act. No-fault divorces became the only divorces; it’s no longer possible to contest a divorce, and you can now do the whole thing online without even glancing at a courtroom.

The last significant change was the 1969 Divorce Reform Act. Before then, separation wasn’t a legal option, and divorces could only be granted on the grounds of adultery, cruelty, or desertion. The new law accepted that marriages could irretrievably break down; couples who separated could divorce eventually and as a result, divorce rates soared through the 1970s and 1980s. So, you can imagine what happened after things got even easier, right?

Or maybe not. Divorce rates are now falling for couples and marriages are lasting longer — in the case of opposite sex couples, they’re lasting longer than at any time since 1963. While peak divorce age has always been when the couple are in their late forties, for that demographic — the younger Gen-Xers — the number of divorces is now lower than at any time since 2003.

So, is this cohort simply better at marriage than the generation who came before us? We were certainly the generation that experienced Britain’s first wave of divorce at the sharp end. The custody battles, the latchkey kids, the parents pursuing pleasure while we fed ourselves. Of course we would do things differently. We are a generation that has staying power. Seven-year itch? You really think we’re leaving a marriage after less than a decade? We’re soldiers, son, not civilians. The average is almost 14 years and counting, according to the ONS. And if you really want the men to grow up, take a look at their dads. Gen-Xers are the sons of gammon and we have rebelled against traditional roles where previously frustrations might have festered.

In part, this may be the unconventional masculinity of Gen X men (some, OK, definitely not all), possibly the first generation to accept nappy changing as the norm. “Boomers were far less communicative, and you’ll hear a lot of my generation saying their parents never showed them love,” says psychologist Dr Audrey Tang. “Gen X men are more communicative and Gen X women are more prepared to expect and demand that.” This has meant they are a generation who have learnt to communicate on an equal level, with mutual respect.

I had a gang of mates from school and if you’d told me they’d be dedicated fathers, I would have laughed in your face. But they are now all men who have turned up for their children and have tried to do everything to keep a stable home. The first thing they would worry about if their relationship was wobbling would be how it could affect their children. Ruining their children’s lives would be the worst thing that they think could happen and has meant many have stuck by their marriages even when going through terrible storms.

This also means that even when a split becomes inevitable, their relationships with their wives don’t fall apart completely. When it comes to divorce, they can handle it in a more communicative, collaborative way. And that helps them realise that divorce isn’t a criticism. The marriage was the right decision at the time. People have either grown apart or something's changed, but it doesn't mean it was an awful relationship from the beginning.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are a good example of a Gen X couple who separated amicably.

“Gen-Xers are the heroes who are willing to stumble about trying to figure out how to remain a loving family after dissolving a marriage,” according to therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas. “Gen X’s parents divorced at the highest rates the country has ever seen; even if they didn’t, the fear that they might was ever present. They are endeavouring a recalibration and reinvention of family.”

According to Stowe Family Law, the UK’s largest firm of family law solicitors with offices across the country, this means 94 per cent of divorcing couples now settle amicably out of court. “People have a less confrontational approach to it, which is lovely,” according to manager Hayley Powell. “Conscious uncoupling is too Californian for the UK, but it’s what we see all the time.”

Alana, 55, is typical of this new type of “model divorcee”. She works in the city fintech and split from the father of her son in 2018. He moved out of Manchester to Chorley for a good state school, and she spends every weekend in her ex’s new house where the trio still have family dinners together.

“It can get a little tense because you don’t have the same dynamic as a couple, so it takes a little navigating,” she explains. “But I have to be in the office at 6am so I can’t commute, and this way our kids don’t have to shuttle back and forth. We’re just working together to make the best of it.”