Survey finds financial secrets as harmful as cheating

Ana Staples, Tribune News Service

Money is an uncomfortable topic for many, yet it’s an important ongoing conversation to have in a relationship. Financial secrets undermine trust. And for many, it may even feel like betrayal. More than 2 in 5 US adults (43%) believe keeping financial secrets is at least as bad as physical infidelity. At the same time, almost half of Americans (45%) in committed relationships (defined in this survey as married, living together or in a civil partnership) admit they don’t know everything about their spouse’s or partner’s finances.

For Rhonda Noordyk, a certified divorce financial analyst and CEO of The Women’s Financial Wellness Center, these findings aren’t surprising. “Most of the time people are not sitting around singing Kumbaya around the finances,” she says. While it may be common to not discuss every credit card transaction, bigger secrets can impact relationships — and livelihoods. According to the survey, almost 1 in 10 of Americans in committed relationships (9%) are keeping major sources of debt, expenses or income secret from their partner, according to the survey. In her practice, Noordyk has seen people taking out home equity lines in secret, card statements revealing actual affairs and spouses using secrecy with money as a lever of power and control.

Learn what financial secrets people tend to keep — and why they do it. “Secrets can take on a life of their own, undermining trust and the relationship. The fix is communication. You don’t necessarily need to combine all of your finances with your partner, but you do need to be aware of where your money is going. Even if you each agree to maintain some separate accounts, it’s important to understand the parameters and work together on shared financial goals.”

38% believe financial infidelity is as bad as physical cheating Almost 2 in 5 Americans (38%) think that financial infidelity is just as bad as physical cheating, and 5% believe it’s worse.

Noordyk says this is due to the “trust factor.” Once someone realizes their significant other has been keeping a financial secret, they might begin to question their partner’s honesty in other areas of the relationship. Besides, while certain secrets can be innocuous, others are downright toxic.

Noordyk remembers participating in a mediation with a client — a woman going through a divorce. During negotiations, they were talking about life insurance and retirement, and it came to light that the husband had changed the beneficiaries on his life insurance. For their entire 20-year marriage, the wife thought she was the beneficiary and had no clue that had changed. The client asked Noordyk what would have happened if the husband died. She responded that all the money would have gone directly to the people he had named as beneficiaries. The wife wouldn’t have gotten any of it.

“And I just remember the look on her face,” Noordyk says. “It was almost like she had been sucker punched in the stomach.” Almost half of Americans don’t know everything about their spouse or partner’s finances: While most Americans (55%) who are in committed relationships believe they know everything about their significant other’s finances, almost half (45%) believe that they don’t. What isn’t being shared isn’t always considered a major secret — 1 in 4 (25%) say they’re keeping secret only minor sources of debt, expenses or income. And about 1 in 10 (11%) say they aren’t discussing credit scores, credit histories, sources of savings or investments. However, about 1 in 10 (9%) say they’re keeping secret what they consider to be major sources of debt, expenses or income.

Noordyk, who works primarily with women, says her clients often say they wish they’d been more involved and aware of what’s going on with their partner’s or spouse’s finances. “They wish that they would have asked more questions,” she says. In one divorce case she worked, a husband tried to limit and manage his wife’s monthly credit card use while providing her no cash. Since he’d made her an authorised user, he had full visibility into her spending but didn’t disclose his own. She had no access to the statements. “I also think it comes down to power and control,” Noordyk says. “There’s this element of entitlement... of wanting to have the power, and the money is a great way for them to.”

Among those not sharing financial information with their spouse or partner, more than 1 in 4 (28%) say they should be allowed to keep some information to themselves. Additionally, 15% say they don’t want the other person to know, and 14% say they would feel embarrassed if the other person knew. Most (43%), however, believe their spouse or partner simply wouldn’t care if they were told.

Most baby boomer couples say they know everything about each other’s finances: The survey data also reveals some generational differences. Namely, baby boomers are more likely to say they know everything about their spouse’s or partner’s finances. To compare, 64% of boomers (ages 62-80) in committed relationships say they know everything about each other’s finances. In contrast, 53% of millennials (ages 30-45), 51% of Gen Xers (ages 46-61) and 44% of Gen Zers (ages 18-29) say the same. Noordyk hypothesizes that this generational divide isn’t because younger people are more prone to secrecy around their money. “I don’t know if it’s necessarily they’re actually keeping secrets, or if it’s just the nature of how they’re handling their finances,” she says.

Younger couples are more likely to keep their finances separate, Noordyk explains. Due to this, they naturally have less access to their spouse’s or partner’s information.

How to protect yourself from financial infidelity: You don’t need to be aware of every little transaction on your significant other’s credit card statement to create a sense of awareness and honesty around your shared financial situation. Here’s how to achieve it.

Identify shared goals: “The conversation is less about full transparency as much as it is... (about) identifying what some of their shared goals may be,” Noordyk says. Have a conversation with your spouse or partner about long- and short-term financial goals, as well as how you’ll work together to achieve them.

Create a safe space for questions: Noordyk recommends finding a way to get things set up that allows for both parties to access financial information. Additionally, “there has to be an opportunity for them to be able to ask questions without being dismissed.”

Stay vigilant: While you’re protecting your relationship from financial secrecy, make sure to protect yourself too. There’s always risk involved in merging your money with someone else’s, even if you don’t fully combine finances.