Wellbeing crises: Why won’t men go to therapy?

Sky diving. Playing padel. Running a marathon with zero training; The list of things men will do instead of going to therapy is so vast and vibrant that it’s now one corner of the internet’s favourite running joke. In the UK, nearly half (48 per cent) of British men have never considered going to therapy, and one in 10 believe the treatment “isn’t meant for men”, according to a new survey commissioned by BetterHelp, the world’s largest online therapy platform. Their research found that men are six times more likely than women to think their friends would make fun of them for having therapy. Among those who try it, more than one in five (21 per cent) stop after a single session, with many saying they “should be able to handle things themselves”.

Meanwhile, as has been well documented during Men’s Mental Health Month this November, men are in a wellbeing crisis. Suicide is the single leading cause of death for men under 50 in the UK. Many men don’t even realise they’re struggling with depression as it’s masked by daily distractions like work and socialising. They are functioning normally, but with problematic thought patterns. Therapy won’t magically solve these issues — but it can help.

“You get an MOT on your car once a year,” says therapist Richard Whitenstall, whose father died by suicide. “If something is bothering you, go and get yourself checked out in the same way. It’s a way to understand yourself a little bit better... and it can make such a difference when you get back in the driving seat.”

Ironically, many of the men who I try to speak to about why they won’t go to therapy don’t want to talk about it. But James*, who agrees to chat under a pseudonym, says: “I think there is a kind of arrogance in thinking ‘I can solve my own problems’. I imagine there’s an emotional repression in that...” he reflects, before awkwardly caveating away from the topic altogether and onto the cold weather. “Maybe I would benefit from this, who knows?” he adds.

Whitenstall says that men are most likely to be convinced to try if they hear stories from other men who’ve done it. “They don’t know what to expect,” he says. “They have worries that have been going around their heads for years that they’ve never bounced off anybody else. Being in a vulnerable place is not comfortable for a lot of people, especially guys.”

While many women recommend therapy to their friends like it’s a new pilates studio they’ve discovered, men are often more covert if they do take the leap and start treatment. “I had a client recently who was in his late twenties and he was speaking about it, because he was making such progress,” Whitenstall says. “He was down the pub and mentioned it and it turned out that out of a group of eight of them, five were in therapy - but none of them had ever said that. It’s often not until people notice positive changes in the person’s behaviour that it even comes up.”

Kenji Ueda “I didn’t know how it was going to land,” says 27-year-old Jared of the reason he used to keep his appointments quiet. “But that was a few years ago and it feels like the narrative has changed. It might also be because the more you do it, the more comfortable you get, but I’m borderline preachy about it now,” he says. “You go to the gym and work out... I see therapy as another form of exercise. You work on your fitness if you get out of shape.”

Of the men who have been to therapy, 73 per cent told the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy that it was helpful. But much like dating, it can take time to find the right therapist. “There’s a high proportion of women therapists to male therapists; There aren’t very many of us, but the number is growing,” says Whitenstall. In 2022, the NHS reported that roughly 17 per cent of staff in talking therapies were male, while 80 per cent were female. “Men might feel more comfortable talking to a man. That’s something you can choose.”